my first blog - stuck between two worlds

Mar 09, 2008 - 22:47 PM PST

March 10, 2008

This is the first time that I have done this, but one thing I know is that I'm sure to to ramble. It is one of the things I do best. I have so much in my head and most of it never seem to get out.

I'm 26 and seem to be stuck between to worlds. On one had for some reason ever sense I turned 26 people seem to be comming out of the wood work to tell me that "I'm old" or "That I'm getting old". This never happened when I was 25, I guess it is just one of those magical things. I've talked to other people and they seem to be having the same problem. Yet at the same time I'm always told that I need to make myself learn how to be an adult. My boss told me that I've come to the stage in my life where I'm not 20 and I'm not 30, but that I need to make the decison if I'm going live my life as being closer to 20 or 30. What I don't get is if I'm not 20 or 30 why do I have to make a choice between the two and why am I expected to act like one or the other. I'm not saying that I don't want to grow up, well sometimes I'm more sure of that then others, I just want to do it in my own time and my own way. I'm a person who doesn't like change. I see the need for it and sometime I may even want, wish, welcome the change, but that doesn't mean that I like the change. Back on the subject of being stuck. I have a job that I enjoy, most of the time. If is not the that I would of chosen or that I'm really sure it right for the real me, but I'm good at it really good at it. Right now it is a part time job, at the time that I got the job that was great. I had been looking for work for so long that I was just happy to have the job. It used to be that even though it was part time there were many times when I was working full time hours and I was happy to be getting the pay. I moved back in with my parents and everything seemed to be working. Well when I hit the magic age of 25 things changed and they changed fast leaving me in my current staus of being stuck. Now I have bills insurance and other bills in a way will always be an issue. About the same time they started cutting hours at work. I got a raise, but I now make less money, because that is what we all want when we have new big bills. About the same time they started "grooming me" for a promotion for work. Well a year latter still have the bills and still waiting to see what all that "grooming" got me. The less hours I work the less money I have. In order have more hours and money I need to move. In order to move I need money. When all this started I had a little nest egg, but longer it takes to get this promotion, this ship that never seems to dock, the tighter things get. I feel like as long as I'm in the same part time job and leaving with my parents I'm never going to be an adult, but it is because of adult bills and waiting for jobs that never seem to happen that keep me stuck here. I want to just break free, I need that. I don't know how it is going to happen, but I need it. All the time I'm dreding the thought of change.

The other tale of two worlds I seem to be stuck in is my friends and socal life. I'm a person who doesn't have a lot of friends but the friends I do have are people who are in my life for years. In many ways I'm like a dog, very loyal, may be too much. I have a set of friends that I love I've know them sense before college, one of them I've known for over 20 years. I think in many ways all of know each other better then we know our selves. They think of me and very strong, artistic, pastionate, and open minded. From what they tell me I'm the one of the group that can do ANYTHING and yet I don't know it. I often wonder what happened to that person. I know my friends know me and deep down at least part of that person is still around. I see it when I'm around things like this quarterlife community. I just can't quiet seem to find her. I have some other really good friends think of me as very together, happy, light, good little christian girl waiting for the husband, picket fence, church on Sunday, and 2.5 kids or more. I'm not saying I'm not or can't be both, maybe I'm some place in the middle. All I know is that when I try to combind the two I feel like I'm not me. I don't know what is me, but that is not me. I feel like I can't or don't live up to the first, and yet at the same time I feel like I'd have to give things up to live up the way they see me. The second seems so limted. I feel like I have to hide things, settle, and never be challenged. I feel like I would turn into some Donna Reed 2-day shell of who I am. I also feel like there are parts of me that I could never talk about and would never be accepted.

Well now that I look back I see that this is way to long, maybe the next one will be less rambling. I don't know if there are any answers. I just needed to questions, and feeling that go with the questions out there.