Nightmare

Nov 26, 2007 - 13:43 PM PST

No choices I have made
To justify this life
No good thing I have ever done
To deserve a second chance
A second breath
A fallen soul
Victim of circumstance

Deserted by the ones I knew
Despite promises
Of forever
Of forgiveness
Of grace
Promises;
They shatter into a thousand pieces
Like a thin glass thrown from the heavens
Or shards of the broken bottle
That lies in a pile beside the place where I sleep
Any hope that resided within me
Died the moment they turned their backs to my face

Were they all wearing masks, I wonder
Faking their smiles to build false hopes inside gullible hearts
I stood on a doorway
Debating for what seemed to be a lifetime
Reluctantly raising my left hand
To tap on the oval shaped glass that set within the wooden door
The sun had yet to rise
The door opened only halfway

In just one moment
The looks in their eyes sent waves of guilt crashing inside of me
I reached out for a hand to take mine
Any hand at all
It never came

Shame took the place where my hope once stood
Shame took over me and filled every part of my life
It picked me up when no one else would
Took my hand and brought me to the place I am now

The concrete floor beneath me
With its unforgiving cold on my bare feet
Making me numb
So I at least do not have to feel any pain

Hands have destroyed my body
In the same way the mask-wearing-ones had destroyed my spirit
As fragile as it was
Choking out any remnants of life I had left
They raped me of my innocence
Left me broken
With nothing but hatred and blame for myself

The face that stares back at me
The one that is meant to be a reflection
I can hardly recognize
Darkness surrounds my face
Thin and unappealing
Shadows and bruises decorate the skin beneath my eyes
Lips cracked with lack of moisture
Making it painful to even breathe

This blackened heart inside my chest
Still beats with the rhythm you designed
Strings of confessions I can barely speak
Escape my lips with such self-disdain

My eyes are red and dry and tired
From seemingly endless hours lost in mourning
Tears flowed with such grace and meaning
Until my eyes could cry no more
Leaving burning streaks of salt to dry onto my skin

My hands are the hands of someone else
Someone that is twice my age
Withered
Shaking uncontrollably
My veins run thin with blood
Thick with regret
Blue as the sky
Cold as ice

Harsh light
White in all its glory
Fills my entire being
Blinding me occasional
As it swings from the ceiling
Florescent;
I believe that is what it is

I fall back on the tattered mattress
Make shapes out of the strange patterns above me
& allow the poison to flow freely thru my blood stream once more
Circulating
A craving never fully fulfilled
Running back for more
Before the last has even had a chance to run its course

A carousel ride that never ends
Around and around I go
Gripping at the imaginary reigns
Attached to my invisible plastic horse
Somewhere in my mind I know the truth
But in this very moment I am elsewhere
Riding through an open field
Wind in my hair
Sun in my face
A warm and comforting illusion I accept with open arms
A momentary escape from my pathetic life
This is the closest I will ever get to freedom

Addiction;
That is the price I pay for this false sense of happiness
One day I’ll escape into my illusion
Bask in the utter beauty that my mind’s eye will let me see
Lose myself inside of my dreams
Escape the nightmare my life has become
I’ll ignore the world as it tries with all its might
To pull me down from my blue sky blue
I’ll cut thru my tether
And taking to flight like a kite on a wild wind
I will never look back
I will never come down
I will never return to the world I ran away from
Finally free