no comment

Mar 09, 2008 - 16:20 PM PST

So there are people that really just impress me. The people who know their sexuality and it's a fact for them. I mean, I don't. I have been single for all 23 years, 6 months, and 2 weeks of my life (yes I did just do the math), with the exception of 9 days when I was 16. During that period, I had my first and only instances of kissing and any actually "experiences" with a guy. I've never dated, I never did the get drunk at the bar and have a one-night stand, and I never even did the group hang out/party which was filled with people that would hook up at will.

I think my lack of experience is why I answered the orientation question with "no comment." I think of myself as straight, but I also look at females and can appreciate their looks and don't know if it's normal or not. Since my experience is so limited with guys, it's similarly limited with girls. I think that I only desire to be with men, but I'm perpetually single. It's such a strange concept.

Add to that another thing. I work with two high school girls that say that they are bisexual but they are in long-term relationships with females and their most recent prior relationships were with females. I have also found out that they tell other people that they are lesbians but they tell me, their counselor, that they're bisexual. It's so weird to hear that, you know? The counselor is the one that you should be able to open up to. That you should be able to tell everything without fear of it getting out or being used against you. But they tell me the more "safe" answer than they tell their teachers or friends.

Truth be told, I think that when I look at women I admire their looks or their sexiness or the spark that they have or whatever it is about them. It's something that I just don't feel as if I have. I want to be good-looking, to feel sexy, to have a spark about me, to someone that is attractive to other people. I've been the friend, the safe one, the confidante, the one to talk about conquests, or sex problems, or even the one to go to when you've been paid to have sex with your girl friend's best friend and you don't know how you're going to face your girlfriend again.

I actually nearly always have a crush on a guy. A "crush" by my definition is when I like a guy and it is always based on personality first, looks come second (hot guys are not so hot when they are not smart or are lacking a personality), and then I'm gone. The problem is that my crushes are usually good friends of mine based on how I choose them. I mean, how does one learn about a personality unless one gets to know a person? And how does one get to know a person unless one becomes friends with that person? But I never can get past the friends stage. The only time the happened was at my Sweet Sixteen party (4 months after my birthday, mind you), when my sister and our mutual friend convinced John to ask me out. It didn't last, I ended it, and I've been single ever since. Even when I dated him, I liked Rob. That lasted the length of high school because we met a few weeks before high school started. In college, I missed him and was worried when he had alcohol poisoning and when he seemed drunk and was nearly in a car accident with a mutual friend in the middle of the night. I was scared shitless when he joined the Marines and went to Iraq.

Currently, my best friend, even though we never see each other, is Chris. Back in high school, we sometimes walked hand in hand. When I visited him at college, we also walked hand in hand. I think of it as such a comfortable thing. I once had a friend who didn't know if she should go out with a guy and I told her to think about whether she would be comfortable holding his hand in public. Even though Chris and I never dated, we have had some of the best conversations. And I know, that if I ever need someone to talk to, he's the one I would want to talk to.


But my friendships don't move past that, I don't know. Maybe I just want to experience life, whatever it throws my way. Then I'll know, for sure. I'll actually know what's going on. Because right now it's just frustrating.