Nyoo-kyoo-luhr.

Jan 30, 2008 - 13:55 PM PST

The State of the Union address was a couple of nights ago, and I thought I'd repost my feelings on our fearless leader's use of this, our English language:

I don't (like some of my liberal brethren COUGHmichaelmooreCOUGH) believe that the President is wholly evil and that he has a bloodlust for young American soldiers which can be sated only by scattering them across the globe like so many Risk pieces. I'm sure he feels like he's walking as straight a line as he can, considering the compromises that a person in his position must have to make. I just have my disagreements with his ideology, methods, and general (mis)use of language.

In fact, I think it's probably his seemingly gleeful ignorance of proper speech and diction that most infuriates me. Maybe I'm just a conservative at heart in wishing that our representative on the world stage was an eloquent, well-spoken ambassador of diplomacy and reason. You know, someone like...Churchill. Or FDR. Or Al Gore. Or Bill Clinton, for that matter, whom, for all his foibles and philandering, was not globally criticized and widely known for saying idiotic things like, "You're working hard to put food on your family." Or, "Make no mistake. I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." Or, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Or even (personal favorite), "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

The only defense of this sort of inane speech is to say, yes, he messed up, but you understood what he MEANT, right? Sure, I know what his intent was. An end to poverty. It's tough going for the families of soldiers and civilians killed. We have a tireless foe full of reckless hate. The imminent and unavoidable conflict with mutant sea creatures.

So I KNOW what he's saying. But he's the President, dammit, and I expect more from the President. I manage to weld together a few pleasing (to me) sentences on the fly without a team of writers, and so should he. I understand that the ideas matter, yes, OF COURSE, but is it so much to ask that he expresses them with something approximating basic grammatical aptitude? This is a man who has said - IN PUBLIC - "Rarely is the question asked, is our childrens learning?" Must have been a rhetorical question, because he went on to say - again, IN PUBLIC - "Childrens do learn."

I'm sorry - CHILDRENS DO LEARN?

I'm not sure I follow. What does childrens learn, George? WHAT AM CHILDRENS IS LEARN, GEORGE? AM THEY ARE LEARN BIG LESSON HAPPY CLASS? AM BIGGUM PRESIDENT, AM YOU IS? And before anyone pulls out their MLA handbook and goes to town on my own scribblings, let me clarify my own position in the hierarchy of world leadership and the power I have to influence the international community's opinion of our country: squat. Precisely squat, no diddly about it.

Let's be clear: we ELECTED this man, and he can't go two days without a little taste of foot. "Well, hell," he must think to himself, "I been doing pretty good, I figure I can probably let my guard down a little now, and dammit if I ain't a mite peckish for some foot- WE WILL REBUILD TRENT LOTT'S HOUSE!! WE NEED AN ENERGY BILL THAT ENCOURAGES CONSUMPTION! TOO MANY OB/GYNS AREN'T ABLE TO PRACTICE THEIR LOVE WITH WOMEN ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY!"

He can't help it. It's like a bad case of Tourette's Syndrome with this guy. But again - HE'S THE PRESIDENT. If there is one single person in this country from whom we should be able to ask just a little more, whom we can expect to be as prepared as the most be-patched Eagle Scout, it's him. We have every right to do so. So if demanding that George at least act the part as our national representative makes me a liberal commie pinko, then that's what I am. No problem with that. Be warned, though - I don't look good in pink*.



*This color tends to bring out a certain pastyness in my complexion which I am usually loath to reveal. For the right cause, however, I would gladly don more pink than you can shake the Race for the Cure at.