Past Lover

Dec 28, 2007 - 06:24 AM PST

I am diminishing on an edge.
disconnected.
non-contrite.

to write what i am truly feeling
would put meaning to symbols and shapes.
a thing i use to love all too much,
although love has become nothing more than a word caught in my throat.
if i said i "loved" you would it make a difference?
would you wrap your arms around me?
..
it was only in those limited moments that i felt at peace.
laying in your arms,
my face against your warmth,
tracing my finger over your bare chest,
your unsure touch tickling the hairs along my arms,
looking into your eyes,
you kissed my nose,
and for the briefest instant doubt did not protrude my thoughts.
..
but i was wrong about you, past lover.
we were wrong for each other and i knew it.
was too stubborn to give you up though.
longed for security within you.
didnt you see? i was still very much a child.
i needed you more than you needed me.
..
can i say "im sorry"?
would it mean anything?
i am sorry, in a way.
sorry that i held on for too long,
that i wanted more than you were willing to give,
that i would selfishly try to produce any kind of reaction out of you,
i just wanted to see that you cared.
..
should i say "thank you"?
would you laugh if i did?
you are the type for laughing.
you were right when you said that
no one should depend on anyone else for their own happiness,
im glad you taught me that,
im glad that something other than bitterness
came out of that experience.
..
i am sad, past lover, that we no longer speak.
are no longer tied to one another,
no longer laugh while kissing,
or become prematurely deaf:
listening to your music that has slowly become mine.
no, sad is not the right word.
there is no word to express what i feel,
no symbol or shape.
i suppose it would suffice to say that i long for your longing,
but that makes it sound like i think on it for hours;
i miss you only in those small hours of the morning,
where the chill of night still clings to my skin,
and my body only wants the succor of warmth,
thats when i remember you,
only then.
..
i cannot say i "love" you,
because i do not.
"im sorry" and "thank you"
they seem inappropriate too,
but it came to me that they were due,
so im sorry, past lover, and thank you.