Popular.

Dec 22, 2007 - 18:04 PM PST

I never thought of it, but I'm popular at my school. That's not a good thing, so many people would kill to be popular. But I just want to be me, when you're popular, people have expectations of you. Apparently, I haven't let anyone down yet. But still, now that I know I'm "popular" I feel... stupid or something. I was talking to Jane today, and she said that last year when we didn't really know each other, she thought I was so popular. And I was confused, I'm always thinking "ME? POPULAR? HA!".

Then I thought about it, Elisa, this person who used to be my best friend and has been obsessed with her boobs since the age of eleven and wore [still wears] padded and push-up bras all the time (she doesn't even take her bra off to sleep, because she feels "empty". And her family doesn't even know she's this flat girl.) told me that I was so popular after a month of knowing me. Then Sophia told me that Elisa only hung out with me because I was popular. Then Catherine said that Denis (my ex) always got nervous around me because I'm popular and always surrounded by people. There's people I don't know, and they know me. Despite the depression in my life, I have a lot friends. And I don't know if I have my feet on the ground all the time, but the closest I got to being grounded only happened because I had them.

I have a string of honestly sixty, seventy buddies, and then plus another bunch of people I just casually talk to on a daily basis. Now I think, how did I get popular? You have to know a bunch of people so they can all know you, I guess. Clothes... GOD. Hair... which I just wash, tie up, go to sleep, and when I wake up I just take the elastic out and brush quickly. I don't even wear make-up, and you already know I don't even spend five minutes on my hair. And I still get complimented on my looks. Haha. But then back to knowing people, do I have all these friends because I'm supposedly popular... or am I popular because I have so many friends.

I've never wanted to be popular, I've only ever wanted to be happy. My sister has tried to be popular since she found out that middle school and high school were so different from elementary. So she hung out with all the preps, and that did nothing, because nobody knew the preppy folks. She stooped so low to tear everything apart to get attention, and now she's only well-known because she's been beaten up for gossiping. My sister and I are so opposite, I've never tried to be "that" thing she's always trying to be.

If you're reading this, you might be thinking "oh, she's talking about her popularity, she must be a real bitch and has high-self esteem and not know that no one knows her name". That's not it, I just don't want to be popular... and the thing is, everyone knows my name... whether it's because of my sister... but like 15 people know my name because of her. On my first day of middle school, about 15 people who I had never met came up to me and said "Hi Emily! Wanna come to this party?" I didn't know what to say, so I said "I don't want to be rude or anything, but who are you?" They never told me their name, but they gave me a phone number and e-mail address, and told me call or IM or something.

I never did because I thought it was just harrassment, but they kept inviting me to more parties. And now I just don't know, popular people are usually such snobs and bitches and treat everyone like crap. But I don't think I'm like that. And people I don't know still randomly ask me to go do something with them. I wave to people I don't know and smile, because then I've tried to make them smile... because I just like making people smiling. But I think there's a line that's not so fine between putting a smile on a stranger's face and inviting them to spend some-what-quality-time with you.

This girl, Marissa, this year we became friends. We were talking, and she said "I thought you were so mean last year." I asked her why she would think that, and she told me because I'm popular. And it made me sad, people think those things because I'm popular? But then when I meet all these new people, we totally hit it off and we become good friends and are always talking and stuff.

So really, if anyone's reading this, could you tell me why I'm popular... God, I hate that word. Do you think it'll be okay, going back to the question, do I have all these friends because I'm supposedly popular? Or am I popular because I have so many friends? Am I just being used? I just want to be happy, which is nearly impossible for a reason I can't choose. Why would people need to use me? I'm Emily, I'm a huge loser... I don't know if that's a good or bad thing... I think that I'm generally a nice person, and I'm (that word I despise) because I know so many people.

I have this friend, Phoenix. She's popular too, because she's unique, funny, and I don't chill with her because she's popular. I chill with her because she's nice, and makes me laugh, and we have a good time together. There's a bunch of people I was friends with before I was "(that stupid word)", and I'm still friends with them.

This is all a cycle, so it would eventually go back the beginning of my pointless blog. I just don't want to be popular! When you're popular, people have expectations of you. It's like being a lower-class celebrity; no privacy. And why would I be popular? I'm a loser eight days a week. I don't get where all the Beatles' song titles are coming from, but WHY?