Random Thoughts?

Dec 13, 2007 - 10:10 AM PST

I know that at my age, everybody's into have a boyfriend or girlfriend because we're still growing up. And then our families have this crazy plan for us to get married. I've never figured myself as the type to get married, I still don't. I know I'm only fourteen and I don't have to be thinking about this. But now my oldest sister is pregnant, and she's getting married to a guy that no one in my family likes. She's changed her entire self for that guy, and she's afraid of what my parents will think when she tells them that she wants to marry him. No, she hasn't told my parents about the marriage thing yet. Most people know about the pregnancy, but nobody's impressed, she's only 24. Right now I'm the least of my parents' worries. Heather's totally heading in the wrong direction, but I don't even care about her. She treats me like those animals on WSPA... you know, the dancing bears and stuff. And then there's the counseling with CFS and stuff with Heather. And then my brothers are a different story. I haven't seen them since I was about five years old. I miss them so much.

So while everyone in my family is having problems, I'm always off in a corner wondering, and praying. Learning to deal with it. My religious view is Christian, non-dominant... United, whatever. And I've always believed in God and the higher powers and miracles. But now, I'm just doubting everything. Despite all the things in the Bible, I don't understand it. Why would God put me in this position. I've been dealing with it since my brothers' went away with CFS when I was four. My family is falling apart. And my parents can't raise children. I'm the fifth child of five, I'm like the last chance to go right. But back to God, is he even real? I shouldn't be saying these things... but honestly. I know the lyrics, "if the burden seems to much to bare, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there". It just doesn't seem worth it to go all the way to the end.

On to school, which takes me back to the beginning. I don't like a guy right now, I'm perfectly straight by the way. There's just no one to like. The only guy I've been having on my mind recently is Jared. We met in grade six. We used to talk about everything with each other, now we're just not close. He's a total stranger. We've both changed so much since we were eleven. But whenever he's near me, I just really want to say "Screw off Jared, stop! We're not even friends."

I just can't believe him. It's like he's forgotten me. It's even worse when we hang out now. Because when we're with his friends, it's like he gets so upset. I guess all the problems started when I hit it off with Alex and we spent some time together. I'm not sure, I have no clue what to think of it all.