Resonance

Dec 16, 2007 - 18:45 PM PST

Okay so I joined Quarterlife after finding the shows on youtube and I was really drawn into the stories because the 'angsty anxiety' stuff going on really resonated with me...I'm in search of my voice...my Self, my identity, my futures...etc.
For so long now I feel as though I have been existing, no, subsisting, but definitely not Living. It's not just that I'm Not living my life on my own terms, but rather, I feel as though I'm not a participant in life in general. I've hermitted myself away, been antisocial, opted to spend the whole day in bed napping with my lovely feline friend instead of getting my ass up and downtown to meet an old friend at the aquarium. [He was only in town for a few days, and will not be back for at the very least a year...why did I squander the opportunity? Why do I keep hiding?] (Rant much?)
So cliched as it may be at this point, (yet I will actually plead ignorance to the cliches because this would be my cherry-poppin' session) I really don't know how to do this blogging thing. I'm not really sure how it all works, as well, and as I said above, I'm trying to find my voice - both literally and figuratively, so if anyone actually does read this - sorry this sucks, and I hope I'll get better at it as I go
I don't want to be so completely isolated and shut off from people anymore...yet I am. I really do, or rather I really think I do, have issues that I'm passionate about, however my passion has been all talk, and no action for SO much longer than I care to admit. I'm wasting my twenties! My champagne birthday - y'know when you are turning the same age as your birthday - is in less than two weeks and I have been looking forward to it for a very long time...I don't want to squander my champagne day, nor the year...I feel as though this is going to be a very big year for me, but is that simply because I want it to be? I've yet to find success in getting most of what I want, so how will this be different? How can I kick my own ass into gear, and stop waiting for someone to do it for me (especially since the moment that someone tries to help me, I resent it!) ??????????????

Why don't I WANT to deal? Deal with What you may very well be asking at this very moment...I don't get it but I fear that the answer is: I don't want to deal with anything. I'm in a self-enforced avoidance free-fall where I don't want to be responsible, it's all just too hard, I don't want to do it alone, and finally, I'm sick of feeling so damned awkward and immature.

Leap froggin' topics now, won't you leap with me?:

I don't have many friends, and the ones that I do have, I neglect...for the most part. Y'see I have this friend who has become a FOB, and a lot of me is really diggin' this new arrangement, I mean, he's a genuine guy: Caring, trustworthy, with reserves of thoughtfulness. He's a self-professed Mama's boy, and she has taught him well when it comes to being respectful of women. Though, he does delight in making shocking statements that elicit playful slaps...which I somehow find sort of charming, to my constant consternation because, as much as it has been a 'dry' year for me, and I'm very much enjoying our PG13 petting, I would be devastated to lose his friendship. I do not think us being in a relationship would work, and I have so much turmoil in my life and in my mind already, that I feel entering into a relationship with him, let alone anyone else, just does not seem like something I can do, and do well. I know that I would give up on my own development, and throw myself into developing 'our' relationship. I'd fixate on stupid minute grievances, and let myself off the hook in regards to creating the possiblities I want for myself and my life, at least until it inevitably imploded. - I know I'm getting circular here, but hey, welcome to my whirlwind of indecision and doubt -
He was a friend first and that's part of what I'm terrified to lose if we... Fuck. This is sort of a prime example of a kind of immaturity that I wish I rid myself of, and possibly could, if I could figure out how to grow a back bone, and actually find my voice...not just in being able to verbalize my sexual emotions, I don't know what my wants and desires are! I feel like since I don't have a cohesive self, and I don't understand my own moral compass, let alone the ability to stand for, and up for...for...anything, myself, that I'm not capable of confidence, nor progress: All pretense. No execution. Dammit! I thought I'd be able to avoid this pitfall...wrongo...again.
In case you haven't surmised, this rant is precipitated from an event that occurred this morning, in his shower...I feel stupid because I knew what he was aiming for, and yet I acted oblivious, or was I coy? I dunno. I knew we'd fool around in there, but I thought we'd established a line. Granted, that was months ago, and we've slowly, yet steadily pushed that line...So I hopped in behind him, and we were off...then we were starting to have sex, but I stopped it. I wasn't able to be honest, and to talk to him about why. I failed miserably to express any clear thought or emotion. I sort freaked, and have been freaking all day...I tried to hide the fact that I was freaking out, but I also tried to be obvious about it as well!!! I don't put any fault on him. He can't read my mind, and when I try to look at it from a removed perspective, I find that I'm sending some fuckin' mixed messages.

For some time now I've known that I have issues with editing myself, and obviously this blog is no exception to that. I ramble, or give unnecessary detail, or leap frog thoughts and topics. I dunno what to think about what I've written, but I am experiencing a wee catharsis at having written it at all. I've wondered about Writing for some time, and I am excited to learn, to grow, and to express myself as a person, a woman, as well as, I hope, a writer...she's getting lofty ideas after the confession! K well, I'm spent. Thanks.