size matters, or does it?

Mar 09, 2008 - 23:38 PM PST

And no, I'm not talking about that considering my lack of experience which you would know if you had been reading my blog. What I am talking about is weight, or measurements, or the female figure, or whatever you want to call it. If you look at the picture that I have on here of me and my cousin, you can see that I'm not extremely obese, but you probably can tell that I'm not a size 2 either.

I think that I have always been overweight. It runs in my family, except that it really doesn't. My parents were both stick thin when they got married but then gained weight over the years so I don't remember them being thin. I just have their wedding photos as proof of their sizes. My sister was also tiny, and my brother was in the middle - probably because he was tall, but I was in the middle. Middle in height and weight. I never really felt like I was fat until I was in a musical in my senior year of high school and I was one of the featured dancers. I had been dancing for years, so that was an easy choice for the directors. But the other 9 dancers were so much smaller than me. We had to wear leotards to make our costume changes quicker (a yellow one for one act, and a black for the other) since we were in most scene and played a lot of roles. They all had normal leotards, but mine had a velcro back or something. It showed that I was different. I was not like them. I think it was an extra-large. I felt so disgusting. Even though I could dance circles around the other girls, new the steps better than them, and sang all the songs higher and clearer, it didn't matter. I felt ugly.

And then came buying clothes. In high school I learned that buying jeans sucks. The only place wear I could find jeans that fit me was at JCPenney and they weren't always cute. I didn't want to grow up, I wanted to stay in the juniors section like everyone else my age. I learned to wear t-shirts because they don't have to fit and wouldn't be too tight. When college came around, I finally accepted going to Lane Bryant for jean. Laney B has become a friend. Bras and jeans are all that I buy there, but hey, they fit. I wear the smallest jeans they have, and the irony is even though (yes this is a weird thing to say even for me) the bras I buy are not the smallest they sell (not even close), their smallest shirts are too large for me so I can't buy tops there. It sort of sucks. I wish there was a one stop shop where everything fit me, but there isn't. I mean, Torrid could be, I have a dress from there, but their fashion isn't my fashion.

Nowadays, I've gotten to the point where my weight has stopped it's upward spiral, my bust seems to have finally stopped increasing in size, and I am satisfied with how I look in a pair of jeans. The problems is, I realize that looking good in jeans is different from looking good in a dress... like a maid of honor dress... like at my sister's wedding... like next summer. I haven't gotten to the point of total comfort in boobtastic dresses, but I know that if that's what my dress is, it could help to cover the weight issue. Considering the one time I wore a shirt in public that showed off my chest, a friend of mine commented on "the twins," I know that I do have a good rack in the eyes of guys. Wow, that really sounded wrong.

Even if that is the case, I feel as if I should at least try to lose weight before the wedding even if I feel as if it's futile. And anyways, I may feel comfortable in jeans, but not in shorts... and probably only in jeans because I had a bunch of guys tell me over the course of the summer that I had a nice butt. Hats off the feminism, but after telling the world that I'm overweight, I figure that adding in that I have a butt that guys walked specifically behind me so that they could watch... well, maybe I don't sound as repulsive as I could otherwise.


Damn, are my blogs really always this long???