...so about tomorrow =

Mar 19, 2008 - 10:30 AM PST

Do you honestly know how much it sucks to not have a computer when your brain is about to explode from wanting to write?! My computer crashed on Saturday and this week is the anniversary of my favorite person in the world...my grandfather. Its so hard because its been a year and it seems like everyone has just been bogging me down with all this crap that I'm supposed to try and do tomorrow..which is the exact day that he passed away last year...and I don't have the energy to even care. I haven't cried about it in a very long time, and I know thats why I have a migraine. But I guess really I'm ok with it, he's not in pain anymore and I don't have to worry about him trying to hurt himself or someone else anymore either. I miss him so much though, the thought of him being gone is just so crazy because he was and IS my best friend, the only person I could ever get a hug from and everything just went away. I don't get it, why would you take someone away from the best life ever when they are JUST getting to the good part.

My dad was the one who called me the night Grandpa passed. My mom had been with grandpa from the time that he started to get mean and nasty and she was with her family when he passed, at his bedside. I was the ONLY one that wasn't there for the night he died, I was at school, studying for a science test. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about being in the place my grandpa wanted me to be, getting the education he never had, but I do. I had this feeling that that day was the day he was going to leave us, because my grandfather and I have this connection between us that I just always knew when something was wrong. I got a cold chill about ten minutes before my dad called and I knew, he was gone. When my dad called he was crying (which is highly unusual for my dad because he never cries) and I just sat there and said over and over again, "you're kidding me, no he's not...you're lying" I didn't want to believe a word coming out of his mouth at that point because I knew he wasn't lying...but I was praying that he was.

It only got worse from there. I went out in the hallway from my room and sunk to the floor crying while everyone from the neighboring rooms, and my roommate, just stood there and looked at me. I didn't care, I missed him already and they would have to get over it. I just don't understand sometimes. I wish that I had been home, I kick myself everyday for not having the chance to say goodbye. But I know that he's in a better place and he's watching over me all the time. He's my best friend, the crazy guy that was the clown and Santa for so many people who loved him, and I will always have that picture of me and him from my senior prom where he looked so proud of me, and he had that twinkle in his eye for the last time.

I miss you old man, you will always be my guardian angel and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

Thats it, I'm crying...enough of that sappy shit...homework time.


<3 Kimberly