The Bible is hilarious!

Feb 27, 2008 - 11:30 AM PST

Alright...so check this out. How many of you have ever actually read the bible? I know I haven't...but I was reading online one day and I found a really interesting bible quote.

"Deuteronomy 25:11-12
11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."

So this gets me thinking...Can this possibly be an accurate quote? So I take the verses and look them up. Sure shit. Although some of the language was changed, the overall message is actually accurate. The original text is as follows

"25:11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
25:12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."

Pretty sweet huh? I find this interesting because people use the bible to make all sorts of points and most Christians believe the Bible is to be taken literally and to be used as a guide...I wonder what they think about these passages? I am betting they change their tune real quick. Hell...that quote is a heck of a lot most direct and clear than several of the quotes used to make a point. Example? The Story of Onan has long been used as biblical proof that Masterbation is a sin...which is why masterbation is sometimes called Onanism. It takes some pretty serious stretching to make that work.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Story of Onan...it is as such. In old Jewish law, the older brother takes over the family, and the line continues with him. If he dies without producing a son the next brother in line is to take his older brothers wife as his own and impregnate her. The son born to them will be considered the son of the older brother, and not the son of the second brother. Here the story of Onan from the King James bible.

"Judah got a wife named Tamar for his first-born, Er. But Er, Judah's first-born, greatly offended the Lord, so the Lord took his life. Then Judah said to Onan, "Unite with your brother's widow, in fulfillment of your duty as brother-in-law, and thus preserve your brother's line." Onan, however, knew that the descendants would not be counted as his; so whenever he had relations with his brother's widow, he wasted his seed on the ground, to avoid contributing offspring for his brother. What he did greatly offended the Lord, and the Lord took his life too."

:So yea...God commands to Onan...Impregnate your brothers wife. He pulls out and busts a nut on the ground...and this now means "Masterbation is evil". I love that logic!

So yea....here are some other pretty fucked up bible verses.

Leviticus 20:9 If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.

Leviticus 20:10 If a man commits adultery with another mans wifewith the wife of his neighborboth the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death..

Deuteronomy 22:20-1 If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girls virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her fathers house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her fathers house.

Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Sweet!)

Exodus 21:20-21 If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.

Leviticus 25:44-45 Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. (This means you Mexico and Canada!)

So what is it gonna be....you can either accept it all or reject it all....How presumptuous of you to pick and choose the "Words of God" that you will follow, though...I would expect nothing less.

*Disclaimer* I am not an atheist, nor a biblical scholar. I just read too fucking much. Do not take my words here as being the complete truth. These are my thoughts based on my own reasearch, and the quotes from the bible are obviously not mine...However if what you read here interests you, please go and do some research for yourself and make your own conclusions.