The International Feminist Conspiracy (A ficticious essay)

Feb 27, 2008 - 11:43 AM PST

Hello, my name is Josh Yochem and I am an author of the following piece. This is a work of fiction. This is for entertainment purposes only and if you are the type of person who gets easily offended…fuck off. If you get mad at me and start ranting about how I am a sexist asshole…you are douche. As usual, feel free to forward my work to people who would appreciate it as long as you give me credit for it. Comments are always read and appreciated.



How many times in your life have you been told whether it is in school, college, at work, or while watching TV that women historically are an oppressed gender, and that it wasn't until women's liberation that anything got better? Like most men, I am sure you have heard it often, almost ad nauseam. Things such as "sexual harassment" and "the glass ceiling" have all become parts of everyday speech. Think back to those times, and to who was telling you these things. Do you remember what their gender was? That's right…it was almost always a woman. Why do you think that was? I will tell you. It's because the idea of the "glass ceiling", "sexual harassment", and even "female oppression" are nothing more than a myth perpetuated by the female propagandists meant to keep men at bay and in a state of constant fear of punishment.

So you are shocked...perhaps even angered. How could someone come out and say something so blatantly sexist? Well that is your social conditioning coming out. You have been taught to respond that way, and you took to that learning much like a dog takes to getting smacked on nose with a rolled up news paper. Well, I am here to enlighten you to the REAL injustices around us. It is time for the male gender to rise up and reclaim the dominance that was originally intended to us. It is time for us to put women in their rightful place.

I have recently discovered that you can clearly trace this conspiracy back to before the story of Adam and Eve. In certain translations of the bible, Adam actually had a first wife, named Lilith. When Lilith refused to assume a subservient position during sex, she spoke the name of God and flew out of the Garden of Eden. It was this act of defiance that catapulted Lilith into both a feminist and lesbian icon. Lilith is also the namesake for the "Lilith Faire", the all female concert tours of the mid-90's.

With Lilith out of the question, God created Eve. One day Lilith appeared before Eve in the form of a serpent. Lilith told Eve that if she ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, she would become more powerful than God. Lilith was right. Eve ate the apple, and in doing so became more powerful than God. Rather than immediately pronounce her new found power, Eve displayed a trait that has become very synonymous to women…subterfuge. Eve decided she would let man think he was in charge, setting him up as a puppet to take the fall should things go bad. Eve commanded God to keep silent about Eve's dominance over God, and to cast Man out of paradise, thus setting up Eve as her own scapegoat. If it was Woman's folly that Man be cast out of Paradise, Man will be much less likely to pry into the inner workings of the power structure and discover who really was in charge.

Eve also set up the myth of "labor pains" to cause a sense of guilt in men during and after pregnancy. That's right…child birth doesn't hurt. As a matter of fact, child birth is a pleasurable experience for a woman. It is believed the feeling of childbirth is equivalent to one-thousand orgasms. This amazing feeling is of course incomprehensible to men who were only allowed one orgasm, but are expected to perform multiples on their partner.

Fast forward a few generations and Eve is much older. She has a rather large family now and she calls a meeting of the women where she divulges her secret and charges them with the task of keeping the power and forever establishing them as the ultimate force in the universe. This of course is the world's first Secret Society. Conspiracy theorists would have you believe that organizations such at the Freemasons and the Skull and Bones are the true secret organization in power…but that is not the case. Skull and Bones and the Freemasons are small potatoes compared to the size and power of the female conspiracy. They are so secretive I have yet to discover their true name.

So as time went on and society got larger, advancements were made in the fields of science, medicine, and technology. What woman didn't plan for however was these advancements would be made by men. That's right everyone, just like in the business world, the people at the bottom are the ones who do the advancements while the people at the top benefit from it. Of course, with men making all these advancements it became harder for women to hold on to the power. Because of this, women decided they needed to make a change in the perceptions of men everywhere by bringing themselves a little closer to the surface and demand "equality" from men, who traditionally believed they had the power.

The idea behind women's liberation was that they wanted equality, nothing more. Seems like a pretty fair demand right? Women talked about things like the "glass ceiling" and "unequal pay" as the basis for equality among women. We know of course that woman have always gotten paid more than men, along with all the extra fringe benefits like never getting a traffic ticket or hitting a red light when they are late. The ingenious part of their plan is that women knew that they would have to at least make an attempt to show things as being equal. In order to accomplish this, they distribute altered paycheck stubs in case someone sees them, or allow the light to turn red when they aren't in a hury to get anywhere. Women originally demanded that things be 50/50, in reality, women strive more to keep the balance at 80/20 which the lion's share of the power solely to woman.

As an example, lets take a look at a popular institution called "Ladies Night". Ladies Night is a weekly event at many bars where women can come to the bar and get drinks for free. The theory of course being that free drinks will get women to come, and if women come so will the men. Men will then pay for the overly expensive drinks at the bar and the bar will make a large amount of money. This is wrong on a few different ends. The first and most obvious is that it is sexist against men. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it is very possible to be sexist against men. When that big bull dyke lesbian talks about how she hates all men, and all men are scum…she is being sexist. The other main reason that Ladies Night is wrong is that it is pointless. Did you know that women NEVER have to pay for drinks in bars? I am not just talking about drinks bought for them from guys…but ever. Now I know what you are saying…but Josh, I have seen girls pay for drinks before! First off, no, I doubt you ever have…but furthermore, I know for a fact that the act of a woman paying for a drink is just for show so that men don't realize how much they are getting screwed. You see…it works like this. Women pay for their drinks at the bar, and then are refunded all the money they spent at the bar after the bar "closes", the men are ushered out, and the women return for a very special "after-bar" where they continue to drink and plan ways to further dupe men into doing their bidding.

I hope this article has been enlightening and informative. I implore all men out there to take this information and confront the females in their lives and let them know that this will no longer stand. No more shall men live in constant fear of "sexual harassment" which became the number one tool of the 80's and 90's to keep men in constant fear of losing their jobs and going to jail. I hope that one day no longer will an innocent man be accused of "rape" after a night of hot passionate CONSENTUAL sex. And perhaps someday, and I know this may be a stretch, but I, like Dr. Martin Luther King, have a dream, a dream that one day no man shall be trapped, whether financially or emotionally, into a relationship by a woman who has held that man hostage with an unwanted pregnancy. I hope to usher in a new age of "Men's Lib" where things such as war, famine, unemployment, homelessness (notice how all homeless people are men?) , and disease will no longer be an issue and men can regain their rightful place in paradise.



*** Side Note ***

The following is an actual letter I recieved from an actual reader. I shit you not. Obviously written in jest, but creative none the less.



"Dear Nobel Foundation, I believe Big daddy has been instrumental in uniting the world for peace. Single-handedly, he has led a crusade to improve the conditions of mankind. Specifically, he has taken up the banner of Men's Liberation and Suffrage throughout the world.
You see, in many backwards countries, men's rights have been put upon by female oppressors and their regime of terror and accusation. In many countries, men live as virtual slaves to a single woman. Often these men are forced to pay for childcare, and demeaned by having to wear a golden band on their finger amongst peers. Subjected to endless talks and films that taunt and bite at the spirit of his gender, working slavishly for the ethereal and tenebrous promise of sex. And, when women believe their slaves are not performing as well as they would like, these men are berated, forced to see specialists who poke and prod at their dignity, all because the man cannot live up to some false ideal perpetuated by the reigning gender.
"Enough is enough" cries social-theorist and radical Big Daddy. "And end to Housework Sunday!" He laments. He has risen a banner and climbed a mountain as large as he to proclaim that men have rights that will not be disabused and marginalized by the female elite. The poor and broken spirit of man could not be bolster by a more tough, enduring, and stalwart pair of hands than Big Daddy's! T he Flag of Male Justice has been lifted, and flies mightily over our cause, and it's bearer is Big Daddy!

Sincerely,
Fwibos Schmookler
The Radio Bacon Institute