the search

Apr 07, 2008 - 20:51 PM PST

Sometimes I stare at myself for long periods of time in the mirror.. the bathroom mirror. I don't stare because I think I am beautiful or because I am vain. I do not stare looking for a fault or a blemish. I stare trying to figure out who it is that I am looking at. I stare trying to find a glimmer of who I used to be or who I am underneath the the swirl, tap, buff of the makeup I wear and the layers of masks that I pretend aren't there.

I stare into my eyes and I never turn away as I get closer and closer to the mirror that hangs on the wall above the sink. I stand on my tippy toes so I can get right up against the glass trying to find the soul they say is just through the window of my eyes.

It doesn't seem to matter how long I look or how hard I search. I am lost among the minerals and the beautiful colors and the lies. I am the needle in the bottom of a pile of manure that no one wants to riffle through.

If I could have any one wish, anyone desire be made a reality it would to find that one person who doesn't mind getting their hands a little dirty. That one person who knows how get to the bottom of shit pile, who can wash away the makeup with a kiss, and can peel off the masks without getting frustrated when they keep appearing.

Please knock down my walls and give me a reason to not rebuild. Love me.