The Things I'll Never Say

Mar 21, 2008 - 23:40 PM PST

You took me completely by surprise.

That's what I think to myself everytime I think about how I got myself into this mess. It's what I think about when I try to figure out how I could have avoided the whole thing. There was no warning. No weekly forecast, no crystal ball. The fact is, one day you weren't there, and the next you were. And from that day on, you never left. No matter how hard I tried to make you.

It seems as though everyone on this planet is looking for their other half. Isn't that what everyone wants? Someone to complete them. Someone to be there to fill the void they feel they have and are unable to fill themselves. Someone they can depend on. Someone they can feel assured that they won't have to go at it alone. You were my other half. At least, you were for that point in my life.

What is it about humanity that makes us feel that we can't make it on our own? That we have to have someone there to help us through it. It's almost as if we don't want to make it on our own, just so we know someone is there for us no matter what. It's almost as if we love the idea of being with someone more than the actual action. How can we tell one person from the next? How can we tell when something is real?

I believed in you so much. I clung to every word you said. I had never felt the way I was feeling before, so I knew it had to be real. I was falling more and more in love with you everyday and it had become out of my control. In fact, it was the one thing I felt I couldn't control. But for the first time that didn't matter. Just when I thought I had it all together, you came around and changed my life forever.

You were my other half. I made you laugh, and you brought me down when I got up too high. It was perfect, in every aspect of the word. Nothing else mattered except keeping a smile on your face.

As fast as you came into my life, was just as fast as you were out of it. Not that I should have been surprised, that's usually the way things work out for me. But this time, I was left clueless as to why this one hurt so much more. It was as if the halves that made us whole had merely gotten so worn that they just didn't fit anymore. I could see my world slipping out from underneath me and I was desperately trying to claw my way back onto it. It didn't seem to phase me when you came into my life, until I began to see it without you. Just the same, it didn't seem to phase you when your life slowly became void of me.

I'll never forget how right holding you felt. How surprisingly perfect we fit. Just the same, I'll never forget when it ended, and how I couldn't accept it, not even then. The final moment when you holding me was so unfamiliar. "Goodbye." The moment when you let go and I was stuck balancing on the edge, feeling as if I could neither fall nor stand back up. I was just... stuck. And I had no clue as to where I'd end up.

That feeling has never really left. I guess part of me has just always held onto you. Praying in the back of my mind that someday you'll realize you made the wrong choice and come running back to me. Maybe I was just afraid. Afraid that I had actually found the person who could break MY heart. Maybe I just had it all wrong the whole time. Maybe holding onto you was the one thing that was holding me back.

I'm slowly learning to be happy again. I don't have the perfect fairy tale ending. I don't have the resolution of the lover who discovered they were wrong and came back apologizing and whisking me away. Perhaps it's between realizing that, and accepting that I'm ok with it has equipped me with the strength to begin to let go. Maybe I'm just not as strong as you, I've thought of that one too. I've just never been able to spit out the words, "Goodbye." That may just be it. Perhaps it's not having the right words, that has enabled me to sort out all the things I'll never say.

You loved me. You broke my heart. All completely by surprise.