the trouble with reactions...

Feb 27, 2008 - 19:42 PM PST

I believe life is nothing but cause and effect. and every action has a reaction. I am learning to control my own actions, its my reactions that are trouble. The slide into depression is the hardest effect to deny in my life, because the causes of it are always out of my hands.
My life has turned into a deep feeling of trying to find my way out of this black hole i dug myself. i am alone by my choosing because anything that comes near i drive away out of fear. A deep fear i cant shake because of my previous actions in life. Maybe sometimes i drive the ones close to me away because i want to see who will really stay in the end. Its like i feel the need to put everyone through trials to see if their feelings and love are true. i want nothing more in life than to make the ones i love and care about happy, but the scars on my life make me always feel inadequate. I dont think i can ever truly make anyone happy until i am happy with myself.But the slide never lets me feel happy with my self.
I know what awaites me at the end of the slide, these twisted sick feelings that welcome me with arms open wide. They smile crookedly at me, and i fade away to nothing. sometimes it happens in seconds, other times its weeks or months of a battle where i never reach the top or bottom.Nothing can help me, nothing can be said... and there is no drug that will ever make it disappear.
The past days are nothing to me but a blur... a sicking feeling of loss and deception on both parties. i cant ask questions, there is no point. but my reactions are always the trouble. Im better than i think, i know that, but since when have i truly stepped up to be that person. im sitting in a daze, i do work and talk and smile on the outside. I cant even cry. my mind is so exhausted and my body is so weak. and as much as i am open, i feel inside no one will ever truly understand my insides. Im tired of explaining and reasoning or just simply talking about what my issues might be or why i feel certain ways.
Nothing to me exsists but this slide into my depression, and i have nothing left to fight it. I have no reason to fight, my life will continue the same. I am nothing but a unfulfilled, unhappy person going through the same motions everyday. eventually ill make this better for myself but for now i will just let evrything go, accept defeat, and try to keep control of my actions. my reactions are always trouble.