01/01/08

Jan 11, 2008 - 19:34 PM PST

I hate drama.
I hate best friends.
I hate fighting.
I hate family.
I hate nervousness.
I hate over-thinking everything.
I want this year to be different.
I hate that it probably won't.
I wish I had some control over that.
I wish I didn't get so worried about EVERYTHING.
I wish I didn't wish for so much.
I wish I didn't wish for things that I can't really.....control.
I hate how I always have something to be upset about.
I hate that I am so fucking..... TWOFACED. but I'm..not? It's weird.
I hate that I lie.
I love my randomness.
I like, love, hate, and wish a lot.
I wish I could just get out of Missouri right now
[sometimes] I wish I didn't have the friends I do, &
[sometimes] I wish I didn't fall in love
[It'd be a hell of a lot easier to move if I didn't have to realize all that I was missing out on]
I hate how I have to leave everything behind
I HATE MY MOTHER.
I hate how fucking ANNOYING AS HELL she is.
I miss my dad
I miss my cousins
I hate this really bad headache
I hate confrontation
I wish I could just..... start over
I want to be with Zack right now
I want to be alone
I want my music
I wish I could sing
I hate who I am becoming
I don't understand why I'm changing
I don't know how to stop it
I hate it.
I don't get what I'm doing wrong but apparently:
I don't know how to treat people,
I use people,
I put people on guilt trips,
I don't deserve anything,
I'm a fuck up,
I'm a shitty friend
I'm too clingy
I'm a bad girlfriend
I can't take responsibility for anything
I have no self control
I'm a horrible person
I've heard every one of those things so often
I'm beginning to think it's all true
If that is who I'm becoming
I don't want to be me
I don't want anyone to have to deal with me,
If that's who I really am
I'm scared to think it's true
I'm pretty sure it's all true
All those people can't be wrong
I'm just one person
I don't know anything about myself
I don't know who I am
How I act
I don't know anything anymore
I'm sick of all of this
I hate how I can't even let myself be happy
I hate how I always have to see the bad in everything.
I wish I was just.. 17.
In college, on my own.
I'm not sure of anything or anyone
I don't know who is really my friend, who really cares
I know who I care about the most
I know who I want to stay friends with for as long as possible
I'm aware nothing lasts forever
I don't want things to end
I hate change but
I long for it REALLY REALLY bad.


what is going on?