to blog or not to blog

Jan 30, 2008 - 13:19 PM PST

This is not really the main thought I have at the moment. Again I will say, as I think i said or at least hinted at this before, but I am often having thoughts that come into my head that I want to share here, even if it is just with myself at the moment. (I am sure if I took part in any forums then more people would at least check to see who I was! But not nec so keen on ppl seeing it at the mo as there is not really very much stuff here...)

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I feel like Im blogging myself through the day and then when I am on the computer lost for words. I also wondered at the very beginning, well when I started the profile I was just in a stage where I was thinking hmmm I really need to spend less time on the computer, as I have a real desire to devote more time to more natuaral things... I guess I mean with nature, and like, despite knowing that the internet is a community and I love it, there is something unnatural about it too... as in I wonder since living alone how much more lonely I would have felt had I not had the internet, and then I wonder what I would have done, and if it would have made me become a bit more of society in a non computer socialising way... I have to say the more fearful side of me thinks it might have made me more depressed and actually feel even more isnecure about myself... However, I know that after the initial shock of first living alone, which was 3 and half years ago (was really down the first year) then I started to look forward to coming back to my own flat and especially to the feeling of turning my computer on, sitting in front of it and well doing the things most people do on the computer... It also makes me less tempted to go out in the cold months, (Even though at the same time, I am often a bit down if I think I have no choice but to be at home, and had times when I went out much more...)

I cant help but thinking though that everything somehow seems fitting in a way... Like the timing of hearing about this site and the online show, just when i was thinking of cutting the internet out a bit more... like getting off facebook too!! Its ages since I have really been into anything, esp tv, and so has a familiar secure kind of feeling to feel attached to something, esp at this transition phase. (Moving etc) It also seems good timing that there is such a programme now that has issues that relate to things that have really been on my mind, and that they are gone about in the way they are...

One other small thought. (I am aware that I have not really finished the things I started talking about but oh well..) I really wonder with medicine... Like I am really into alternative therapies etc... homeopathy and chinese medicine, as well as organic food etc... but well i know i dont ever want to take normal medication and it made me think that, well why am i so strongly against it, and part of it is actually that i feel like if we have something wrong with us why should we actually fight it with unnatural things, but then kind of why fight it at all... I cant really explain properly what I am thinking (tired...) but... what are we aiming for? of course we should try and stay healthy and look after ourselves, but if we have something then it is like we are trying to outlive something that well happened... which is unnatural. (I know we have a survival instinct and all that and of course I dont want to die... well not yet anyway....)

Also what will be another confusing paragraph with no real somethingorother, but i still dont know what to think anymore... i hear people who have done certain seminars about healing and stuff and read some things in books like the secret and other things... and well i see the point, and know that physcial illness (and wellness) is linked to the mind and psychological stuff... it is very very clear... but in the end i find myself not knowing what attitute to take in everyday life, as i know the answer is not to think positive as such... as one thing is well i think we should accept the feelings of sadness and stuff (which from as far as i have got in the secret seems to suggest that we need to move the negative feelings away to something that makes us feel positive) but yes we need to accept what is sad or whatever, but the, well, its the same with fears, but it just makes me all the more fearful as i am always paranoid about illnesses no matter what i try and tell myself, (esp cancer, as my mother died of it, but it was scared even before that... )its still a fear and then of course these books and not just them, other ppl too, that that os of course the wrong thing to do cause fear makes the things happen, but then you have fear from that fearful thought and... well if anyone reads this one day, let me know what i should think... as i have had years of thinking about these things, and well.. i am much more 'positive' in a lot of life aspects than i was before, but still this thing gets to me...

think i had better stop now...