Two Months Tomorrow.

May 04, 2008 - 12:21 PM PST

Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day of May.
Tomorrow is the two month anniversary of Shawna and Ken's death; their murder.
Anniversary...hmm. Aren't anniversaries supposed to be happy and stuff?
Apparently not.

As time draws nearer to this particular anniversary, memories of the day flood through my mind, and I almost forget that it's not really March 5th.
I keep reliving the memories...I see the tears.

I remember shopping with Tia at Dillards.
I remember the phone ringing and hearing Emily's voice on the other end: shaky and crying.
I remember her words, "Chloe, there was a wreck. Shawna was in a wreck." I asked if she was okay, and Emily hesitated. She said the only words I didn't ever want her to say, "No...Shawna's dead."
I remember thinking it was all a joke, but Emily would never joke like that.
Then Lucas called. He told me to get to the hospital asap.
It was him that told me that Ken was the other person involved.
Mrs. Gould, a woman that worked at Dillards, came to me and gave me a glass of water as I sat on the floor weeping.
I've never wept like that before...
I calmed my breathing and gave Tia my keys. I was in no shape to drive, but I wanted to get there as fast as possible.
As we drove, I screamed at Tia to go faster.
I wanted to see my Shawna.

I remember running around the hospital to the emergency room entrance and seeing Chris and others standing there. When Chris turned and looked at me with tears in his eyes, I knew it was all true...
I don't remember falling down or losing consciousness.
None of that is in my memory.
I remember waking up with hot tears in my eyes and a cold rag on my forehead.

We sat in a room as I cried, I grasped onto the rag that they had given me.
I was in a borderline catatonic state, they told me.
I remember calling Keith...precious Keith.
We cried together on the phone, and he told me that he was trying to find a way to get his ticket changed to get to San Angelo for the funeral.
He was supposed to come down for their graduations.

Mom took Tia home and dad took me to Johnson's funeral home.
I remember seeing everyone there; Elisa, Melva, Katie Clouser, Lucas, Sonjia, and Deserae.
I've never been in more pain in my life.

Together, we cried an ocean.

You know, people have been telling me I need to control my anger and hatred towards Jared Elkins.
But I don't think I should.
I do understand that he will have to live with this for the rest of his God forsaken life, but he still has a life to live!
He took the lives of two of the most amazing people this world will have ever known...and he's the one who still gets to live.
And for that, I will always hate him.

Two months.
Two long, horrible months.
I miss you so much, Shawna.
Every day gets harder and harder without you.
I would do anything to have you back.