uncertainty.

Apr 15, 2008 - 18:04 PM PST

i feel entirely trapped by uncertainty. uncertainty is the worst feeling in the world, at least when you are feeling sad there is a distinct reason for your unhappiness, but not with uncertainty..hence it's name. there are so many things that i am uncertain about right now. my future in general, my near future, and what's gonna happen tomorrow. i am worrying about where i am going to go to school after Cabrillo(i only have one year left), where i am going live after Cabrillo, how i am going to take math over again in summerschool(since i have to hide this fact from the people i live with), how i'm going to pay rent for the place that i go to live in after this, i'm trying to figure out what my major should be, i'm worrying that i'm going to fail at my next job even more miserably than my last one, and the list goes on. I have a job interview this saturday at Sears and I am dreading that because I don't want to work since i have such a huge fear of becoming a failure again I have no self confidence. I also don't want to work because I know i won't have a life anymore. People say "you're an adult, get your priorities in order," but the thing is...I'm going to spend THE REST OF MY ENTIRE LIFE working like a dog, that is the sad truth. I wish there was an alternative this lifestyle, but there isn't a choice. There isn't a choice because in this world, at least this country, you must work for money because you need money to live. Right now I am young and I want to enjoy my youth while I can. I'm not in a hurry to grow up and be worked to death. I feel weird because I sometimes feel as though I am the only person who does not blindly accept this fate. I believe life is about living, not working. We work to live, but we don't live to work. I hate the fact that now we live in a world where it is expected that you work and if you don't then you are weird, strange, or bad. I am expected to go to a university and spend the rest of my years devoting myself to some prestigious job, but i just want to enjoy my life! The only reason that i will do any of this is to please my mother and not to be ostracized by other people. I am constantly stressing over schoolwork and work and i feel like i'm killing my body this way, i hardly sleep and i feel stuck in a state of constant fatigue and exhaustion. I'm exhausted but the work never ends! as soon as i get over one hurdle another awaits. I keep telling myself this is no way to live but I don't have a choice right now. To make matters worse, i have a genius older brother who is a doctor and got nothing short of straight As his entire life. now here comes the standard cliche of my mother keeps comparing me to him. i swear to god that her favorite line is "you and your brother have the same brain, why can't you use it?" I know you think that this isn't fair, as do I, but that is how she thinks. and if i do well then it's confirmation of her beliefs, if i don't do well then she can't understand it BECAUSE I AM JUST AS SMART AS HIM, i just must not be trying as hard as i possibly could, or some other lame excuse that falls on my personal choices. I just can't wait to get away from this place(her house) so i can live my own life free of her judgement. and i can feel miserable about my failures ALONE without having to withstand her disappointment in discovering that i am NOT a female Scott(my brother). God how i wish i was. I wish that things came as easily to me as they did for him. He never had to put forth any real effort into learning things because his brain understood everything so easily. I have to struggle for every good grade that I get, things are hard for me. I have to bang my head against a wall repeatedly until I can make myself understand. My dad represents the other end of the spectrum, to him i am just a dim-witted nobody and i am air-brained and nowhere near as smart as his genius of a son. I will admit that i prefer his beliefs to my mom's because hers just set me up for failure in expecting perfection, whereas he is pleasantly surprised anytime i get good grades or do anything that constitutes smartness in general. I don't understand why i have to be grouped into these categories of "less smart than Scott", or "just as smart as Scott". why can't i just be...me? I'd like to step out from his shadow and be an entirely different, separate, person to judged as an individual, a separate make-up of DNA, a separate personality with different strengths and weaknesses. He seems to think that i live on another planet as well. I have sensed this since I was young, i don't know whether it was a look he gave me or what but I knew it was there. I always knew he thought me strange and I could never understand why that was. I feel like the black sheep of the family because I am a dreamer, i have many dreams of a better life than this. anyway, that is all for now since I currently have this little black cloud hanging over head reminding me "6 more hours until the Italiano homework is due..."