Uncomfortable

Apr 20, 2008 - 17:10 PM PST

April 20, 2008

It’s Hitler’s birthday but I don’t really care about that.

Last night I went to one of my favorite concerts I’ve had the chance to go to. I think I’ve been to a total of 5 legitimate concerts. I’ve been wanting to see Death Cab for Cutie since the summer of 2005. I missed them when they came to Bend that summer and I was so upset. From that summer to where I am today their music got me through some of the toughest times. Their music had such an impact on my life. And now I’ve seen them. I was right up front and David was right behind me. It was so good for me to see them. A spiritual cleansing. That music always reminds me of whom I used to be and how I got to who I am now. I danced, sang, and felt every song. It was so beautiful. If I really knew how to right I would describe what I’m feeling, but it’s the kind of thing that shouldn’t be put into words. And with David right behind me.

The Cave Singers opened for them. I bought a bag and they all signed it. Although I think that the drummer signed it “The Mary Terd” but I may be wrong. I can’t really read it. The lead singer liked to but his legs together and stick his butt our and swig his hips. It was beautiful. He felt the music. I felt it too.

Friday night, the night of the 18th. My parents and I discussed religion. I think my favorite part of school is learning without the work. And I know that that’s the all American dream. But I still work hard in all my other classes but I don’t learn as much in any other class as I do in my religions class. I love it, more than any other class. I love it. I realized that I could just talk about the religions we learned about, I knew the facts, I knew more than I could have imagined, and it wasn’t because I studied or because I did the work. It was because I cared, and I listened. Listening is a powerful thing.

I’m comfortable with sadness and depression. I don’t like it but it’s a comfortable state of mind. I’ve dealt with it so often that It’s just not a big deal. It makes me angry but being angry is still a comfortable. But now I want happiness and love to be my comfort zone. I want to leave my old self behind, and I want to do it with someone else. I want to. But it won’t happen unless I really do change my way of life. Because my state of mind has a lot to do with the way I live life.

I’m scared, not of the dark or of change. But instead, I’m scared of wanting to. Knowing that I want to makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know why I just don’t want people to that I want to change. I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t like to talk about anything anymore. I don’t like to talk about what I’m feeling even though people want me to talk about it. I don’t want to. I really don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t know why. But it is what I’m afraid of. Talking about it. So don’t ask me about it, I really don’t want to talk about it. And if you ask me to talk about it, I will because I want to and then I will get angry and sad because I didn’t want to. It’s not your fault but please don’t ask. It makes me uncomfortable.

And of the things I hate most is being uncomfortable.