well..blah.

Jan 09, 2008 - 12:49 PM PST

I have two very important things I need to do today. I need to send a letter to a lawyer firm to dispute an account (my identity was stolen). I also need to cram for my NREMT exam tomorrow. I really don't want to do either of them, yet I don't know why. I'm not depressed. I know depressed all to well and this feeling isnt it. I know its not being lazy because I don't want to just sit and watch tv or play video games. Hell I'd rather clean my whole apartment then mail a letter and study. I just can't figure out why.

It's not like mailing a letter is hard. I have to drive approximately .04 miles to the UPS store to mail it; not hard at all. I reallly want and need to mail it because I don't want to pay $500 of charges that aren't mine. Yet still, I just can't make myself get up and mail it. I can't even make myself type out a letter to the firm, which I normally enjoy doing. I don't get it.

Studying for my exam is relatively easy as well. All I have to do is complete a 50 page workbook with practice test questions. I did extremely well in my class so studying for the exam should be a breeze. Instead I just stare at the workbook and hope it would just absorb into my mind without me trying. It didn't work, go figure. If I don't pass this test I can't work as an EMT, and that means I have to stay at my current job that is driving me insane. You'd think I'd jump up and study like crazy. I can't

It's not that I don't want to do these things, cuz I do. I understand the consquences and it makes me want to do them. I just can't make myself do it. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it is depression and I'm trying very hard (and apparently well) to cover it up. Or maybe its fear of the future. I hate change, that could be it. However, I really want the outcomes of both. So that doesn't make much sense either. This rut sucks.