What the hell just happened?

Apr 16, 2008 - 13:42 PM PST

I have this uncontrollable and overwhelming sense of irritation and aggravation. No recollection of its source. The more I think about where it has stemmed from the more lost I get. School, Money, Work, Family, Friends, I have absolutely no idea. Now I feel like there is this terrible void inside me. How do you go from working on a 2 hour test and completing it and feeling accomplished to being so disgusted in less than 25 minutes?
Not even knowing where or why the transition took place. Obviously I am really boggled by this. LOL I want to say it was the error in my online bill pay, but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t even know why I looked there to begin with. Am I losing my mind? I feel that I am. This reminds me of last change of season with allergies. From summer to fall, I was getting really bad migraines. The neurologist put me on Topomax. I stopped taking it due to the side effects and that were impacting my memory skills. I’m wondering if these are lasting effects. Yesterday I left the house (yes, I moved. I’m not quite settled, however I am comfortable. That is another story for another time) I was in a state of panic all the way to work. All because I could not remember if I locked the door behind me. I always concentrate on making sure that storm door is closed so it doesn’t blow around. That I didn’t know if I check to see if the inside door was locked. I was tempted to turn around to check but I got even more anxious because I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be late for work. I have enough to deal with in my company right now. I didn’t want to add to the stress of my job. Hmph, my job. Do I stay or do I go? I am seriously weighing my options. If I do look for a new one, I must wait until June. I’m not going to mess up my vacation. Not to mention I’m in school. I want to wait till classes are over. I do have it good here. I can do my class work in my spare time on the clock. I can’t complain or ask for more in that aspect. However, I can’t afford it. The economy is driving me out of my job. Since I moved to a new area, I can no longer take the train to work. Now I commute and pay extra in gas and in parking. I would love to take on more work if it meant more money. I just feel that everything available is being pushed higher and higher outside of my grasp. That I am being pushed down and discouraged where I am now. I don’t know if I should wait it out or go else where. I am very confused. I have a lot on my plate. I’m trying to get in shape. I actually got a trainer. Which I think was probably the best thing I could have done. Unfortunately, I haven’t lost weight. I think I see a difference, but I’m not to sure. I feel discouraged there too sometimes. I’m tired of counting my calories. I’m tired of eating small meals 6 times a day. By 2 o’clock I am starving and I am drained. Maybe I am not eating enough calories for my work outs. I don’t even know what calorie range I would be considered to be in. I feel lost. I feel drained, tired and exhausted mentally and emotionally. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Maybe I’m just ready to call it quits. Look at that…Irritated to depressed in 13.5 minutes.