Who I think I am at the moment.

Nov 06, 2007 - 22:34 PM PST

I want to be fearless. I have a list of things that I want to do during my lifetime, some of them i've done: cage dancing, mechanical bull riding, learning to play the guitar, learning martial arts, composing songs, crowd surfed (at an INCUBUS concert!), booked a part on a prime time TV show... Some of them I still have yet to do: hang-gliding, swim with dolphins, do a fight scene on wires, learn how to snowboard REALLY well, learn to breakdance, produce my own films, make out (or more) on top of a car in warm rain, work for UNICEF or the Peace Corps and get all gritty, drive the Autobahn, my list could go on and on... I am a self -proclaimed dork. I do crazy stupid things and make a fool out of myself without ever wanting too...it just happens. But other than that, I'm pretty cool to be around. A little hyper sometimes, but easy going. People say they value the truth, but in reality people would like to believe that what they love is true. I'm kind of on a big honesty junkie phase right now. Everyday, God keeps showing me parts of myself that I am BSing myself on and my little blind spots here and there. And I'm telling you, it's a rough process. I want to be real. And to do that I have to be real with myself. I want to be okay with who I am. Actually, I want to be more than okay with who I am...I want to get to the point where I can actually value myself without feeling like such hypocrite by saying that I like myself when sometimes I really don't. At least parts of myself. I want to know myself fully and completely...and be okay with the complexities and paradoxes lie within me. That I'm so passive and am the peacemaker in my family, but have the potential to be very violent. That I can be completely clueless and dorky on so many things (like dating or the male species in general), but yet have wisdom on what makes good relationships. That I love listening to both Michael Card and Marilyn Manson. That I can be bouncing off the walls ecstatic/hyper, and still fall into super deep depressions that exhaust me to the point of comatose. To be strong and yet really weak. To be real. To not pretend to be something I'm not and yet not fall into the trap of being pigeon-holed on what people think of me either. I want to know why I believe the things that I believe. I want to know what I stand for and know that the foundation underneath me is unshakable. I want to live each day without regret, knowing that I did my best and did what I could to make my little corner of the world a little bit better than it was before.